I had a bit of a breakdown last week. In the midst of a five-day-in-clinic treatment, dealing with a hectic production window at work, and my wife's birthday all before you get to the day-to-day responsibilities you just normally handle without thinking about. And that's on top of me shaving off my hair the day before the first treatment day of the cycle.
Even more on top of that, my sleep has been garbage. It's made harder because the drugs have to be filtered by the kidneys and I only have one so it's become super important for me to stay hella hydrated. Functionally that means more bathroom trips which means waking up every hour or two at night.
On top of that, the drugs I was being infused with are known to cause brain fog and confusion. All-in-all, a recipe for poor mental health if something goes wrong and it felt like it all was.
Things all came to a head by Wednesday and I broke. It felt like every minute was someone or something pulling me in a different direction. Having to start over something for work multiple times. The wrong flowers delivered and then dealing with customer service. The un-ending ping of notifications that I can't just turn off for various reasons. Managing a toddler who just wants her dad while also having to carry around a portable chemo pump that's hanging off my chest every moment I'm not at the clinic.
No bueno.
Friday while talking to the head nurse at the clinic, she suggested that I may have had more brain fog than I had actually thought I had and gave me a treatment for it, by the time I was being driven home my head felt clearer than it had all week.
Operating when you're feeling 70% is hard obviously, and still feeling like you have to show up in every way you are expected to even though people may give you a pass makes it even more difficult. At least for me anyway. I've consistently been someone who pushes myself too much to get things and not realize I've pushed too hard until afterwards.
It's not sustainable though and I need to figure out a better way of dealing with all this.
But more so, me understanding that if something feels even a little off, I need to let the nurses and doctor know. For others, there's no reason not to at least discuss and get their input. You already trust them enough to be pumping this stuff through your veins so trust them to diagnose symptoms as well, especially ones causing you to not be able to accurately diagnose yourself.
If I'm going to get through this I can't just operate like I can mind-over-matter it and be fine. I need to accept that it may involve me stepping back on something or somethings. Spiraling again isn't an option and I need to protect myself to make sure I can get through this marathon because it's really only just beginning.
